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Saturday, July 27, 2013

Mental Wandering

     I started my morning with an x-ray for my back.  I think the dog tried to pull my spine out through my shoulder yesterday.  Then I made a trip to Kmart.  How is it that I spent over one hundred dollars on stuff for a vacation that I am not even going on?  I guess my son will always be my baby.  Shhh... don't tell him I said that.  But, I had to make sure that he had sunblock and aloe and allergy meds, etc., all the things I know a teenage boy won't remember to pack.  When I got home, I made a few phone calls.  I got in touch with a friend who I hadn't talked to in months and months.  Strangely enough, our conversation was the same as it would have been months ago.  I guess some things really don't change. There is nothing new or exciting happening today, so I think this will be a philosophical post about change instead of a journal entry.
     What is it that causes some people to change completely?  Is it even possible to do that, or is the person just hiding his/her true nature in an attempt to get away from the problems in his/her old life? Does the person change for real if enough time passes?  You know, fake it 'til you make it? Let's try a "for instance."  You know how some women meet a guy, and, all of a sudden, her interests change to whatever his interests are? Maybe she was a minivan driving soccer mom, but he is a Harley riding concert going guy, and all of a sudden she is all about motorcycles and concerts, too.  If she stays with this guy long enough, does she really change inside?  What happens if they break up?  Does she go back to her minivan and soccer games, or does she stay with the Harleys and the rock bands?  It is actually an interesting thought to ponder because sometimes the impetus to change isn't another person. Sometimes it is within the person himself/herself.  If the person feels that he has had to stifle his true self to make everyone else happy, that may spur a change at some point - once he just could not face another day acting like someone he wasn't. I wonder if either of these situations is the real reason for a person changing, or if it is just that people have a natural tendency to grow and change as they get older and experience more of life.  Maybe it just takes people different amounts of time to figure out who they really are.  Maybe one person knows from the age of 18 who he is, has a life plan figured out, knows exactly who and what he wants to be.  But, maybe another person doesn't know until she is 45, and another may never figure it out.  Is this a sign of not being able to commit to a course and see it through, or is it a sign of not remaining stagnant because of an inherent curiosity about all that the world has to offer?  So, I guess my question boils down to this - is a person born who he/she is at heart (whether that is someone content with one path or someone who needs variety), or does he/she change depending on the society in which he/she lives, or does he/she change as he/she matures? I certainly don't know the answer.
     I guess, in some cases, it could be a combination of things. However, I think that if a person is trying to run away from life's problems, he/she is in for a reality slap upside the head.  Problems go wherever you go.  I also think that if a person tries to change to please someone else, that is a huge mistake.  Your whole relationship is based on a lie, and why would you want to be with someone who didn't like you for who you are.  Not to mention that at some point it would get tiring pretending to be someone you're not - unless you really do fake it long enough to make it true.  If a person is changing because he/she is evolving, maturing, curious, or trying to be true to himself/herself, I think those are the only acceptable reasons.
   You might ask why I would say that.  Who are you hurting by acting this way or that way?  Well, the truth is that you may be hurting a lot of people around you.  You may lose friends or cut off family.  You may cause a lot of worry/concern for people who love you.  So, I think that for a big change to take place in a person, there should be a very good reason.  It shouldn't just be something done to please others, to follow a fad, or done on the spur of the moment. I think that this person should also explain the change to those closest to him/her.
     Why is this on my mind?  Obviously, it is because I am making a big change in my life.  I believe that I am one of those people who crave a variety of experiences in life, and I always have been.  Look at my work record - I have worked in a million unrelated fields.  You could even just take a look at my music collection - eclectic is a nice way to describe it.  I also feel like I have been pushed into a box, for several reasons, in my life.  People see me one way, and I have always tried to make others happy.  I am at a point in my life where I refuse to be stifled anymore.  I have always had a creative streak in me, and that is what makes me happiest, so that is the path I am following now.  I am not changing for someone else; I am changing to be truer to myself.  I hope I am on the path to figuring out who I am, but I may just be one of those people who never does.  I may keep on reinventing myself until I am 90 and every day seems new anyway. 

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