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Friday, August 2, 2013

Post-Retreat Ramblings

     Okay, so it's a new day - night, whatever.  I attempted the three day silent retreat.  I learned a few things along the way.  First, I cannot do a meditative retreat while I am at my house.  I am entirely too distracted by things that need to be done, and then by arguing with myself about why I am not supposed to be doing them. Second, I should probably go grocery shopping before locking myself in the house for three days.  Third, making a to-do list was helpful to try to stay on track, but I tend to be entirely too ambitious with my lists.  Then, when I don't complete all of it, I feel like I failed. Fourth, I would do much better to make sure that my dentist and/or doctor appointments are not scheduled during the retreat time.  And fifth, having to take care of two, very spoiled, animals does not make for a peaceful time for me. 
     So, the big question is, was my attempt successful?  That depends on what you consider success.  It was pretty laid-back.  I was able to rest.  I did some journaling to center myself.  I still have not figured out exactly which way to go with my life or my career, but I have ruled out a few things.  When putting in applications, there are some that I can't even stomach completing, so I am not doing those ones.  Where I would have felt that I had to turn in everything and take anything that came along in the past, I have learned that is not what I want or need to do this time.  I need to take some time and keep looking, praying, and watching.
     I wasn't supposed to be finished with my "retreat" until today, but I actually 'cheated' yesterday.  I had to go to the dentist, so I figured that since I was already out, I would hit the tanning salon.  Then, next to the tanning salon is a nail place, and I decided to get that pedicure that I had been promising myself forever.  It was my first time - I was a pedi-virgin, and, much like many firsts, it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.  Maybe I just didn't have the right partner, er... nail artist.  But, I did go home after that, and I didn't talk to anyone.  To be perfectly honest, I did 'cheat' a couple of times as far as watching TV or turning on the computer.  But, I figured that since it was my retreat, I could make up the rules and/or change the rules as I wanted.  I did much less watching and surfing than normal.  I think that going away would have made this all much easier.  But, maybe next time.
     Today, I decided that I was going to visit my parents.  I paid bills, balanced the checkbook, updated my job search lists, rounded up the dog, and headed out the door.  I figured an overnight at the 'rents was a good way to end a peaceful week.  I even got to hang out with my youngest nephew for a little while tonight after his football workout.
     I know, anticlimactic, right?  Well, I didn't expect to figure out how to save the world, but I guess I did have some expectations.  That epiphany as to what my future should be did not come to me.  I'm a little disappointed about that - unrealistic expectations?  I don't know.  For now, I will just keep plugging away and see what happens.  I will continue to pray, study, research, and job search. What is meant to happen will happen. 
    More tomorrow on adventures in Sandy Lake and travels down I 79 South.  Stay tuned; I know you're on the edges of your seats.  Until then, namaste.

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