Okay, so I have been musing and pondering. What else is new? Brandon, my son, was gone for a whole week, and I started thinking about what was going to happen in a couple of years when he left home for good. It was an incredibly strange week for me. I did have a plan for what I was going to be doing, so it wasn't even as tough as it could have been. If I didn't have a plan, I don't know what I would have done. It was lonely. I just didn't know what to do with myself. He has been my whole life for so long that I felt at loose ends. I thought about that for a while, and I decided that I could take one of three paths. Either I could sit in the house and become more of a shut-in than I have already become, or I could decide to be perfectly content doing things by myself and living by myself, or I could get out there and try to find a life companion. I am not sure what I am going to do yet. I suppose I am going to opt for choice 2 or 3. Whatever is the Lord's will... But I do have to make some plans as to how I am going to get on with my life.
I would still, ideally, love to travel and write. In terms of where I am right now, this could be the perfect time for me to do that. However, even though my son is mostly grown; he is still only 19 and in college. Is it really time for me to leave, for any amount of time, and still keep him from feeling abandoned? I know that, being in college, he could get roommates to stay in the house with him. Between them, they would be able to make enough money each month to pay the utilities and the taxes. So, is it just that I would feel like I was being a bad mother, or does he still need me here? I just don't know. I know that a lot of kids go away for college and leave their parents, so, logically, maybe I should leave and give him a taste of freedom in this safe place. I am not getting rid of the house, and it is his home, so perhaps this is the way to push him to take on more responsibility and grow up a little. It would probably be harder for me than for him. One week without him was tough for me. I really missed him.
Well, if I do decide to go, I think I would try it first as an experiment - for say a year. However, the next question is how on earth would I afford an RV, health insurance, car insurance, medicine, and daily needs? The answer is that I don't know if I can. Then, I began to think around the problem. Could I, for instance, buy a used van and make that work as my living quarters for a year's time. I think that I could do that, except I'm not sure if I could afford a 'tricked out' van which would make it really comfortable for me. Then I thought about seeing if my dad would trade me his van for my car for a year - if he thought his van would hold up to a year of traveling, and I could pay off my car. Or, maybe I could go to the car dealer and trade in my car for an older, used van that would lessen my payments, but is still in good shape. I am so undecided.
Then, the next day, I am thinking about what I need to do to fix up the house. The two ideas aren't mutually exclusive. I mean, I will be moving back here. This is my home, too, and I am definitely NOT going to go away and leave my son without a home to come back to. It is important to me that he feels that he ALWAYS has a home with me. My parents have always made me feel that way, and I have never taken it for granted. Knowing that I could go home any time I needed to, and there were times when I needed to, got me through some rough spots in my life. The fact remains that where I live is not my dream location, but I can't leave my family. That is what has kept me here all these years. Should I consider relocating if I do find a place I love in my travels. I would still make sure that there was a place for my son, but would I be pulling up his roots and leave him feeling homeless? Is it my fear that keeps me unfulfilled, or is it that I know what is most important to me and am not willing to give it up for other things that I know I want out of my life? Again, only the Lord knows, and these are some of the things about which I have been praying and trying to hear God's will.
Does this put me back at step one? I don't think so. I have thought through a lot of where I have been and where I want to go. I haven't made any firm decisions, but I feel like I am moving toward something. I just don't know personally or professionally what it is yet. I am trying to be okay with not knowing; although it goes against my nature. Somehow, I have to figure out if I make a move before I will know if I did the right thing, or do I wait to know if it is the right thing before I make a move? How long can/should I wait? Life is a journey, not a destination. I just, somehow, have to figure out what my journey is supposed to include.